You know you stepped in it. Big time. Didn’t really mean to do it, but it happened. Now your spouse is hurt and angry. And they are not really waiting breathlessly to hear your apology – they’re way past that. Seeing you hanging by your bleeding ears from a dead tree in the middle of the Sahara Desert more likely fits their emotional need at this point.

The last things you need to do at this point is to rush into your “I am sorry. I really am. I’ll try not to ever do, or say, or behave that way again.” Whatever fits at the time.

Your hurting spouse is likely to feel like spitting your words into a nearby old filthy tin can as soon as they fall from your lips. Because quick apologies, with no real thought or self-realization behind them, feel worthless and self-serving to the one you hurt. Those kinds of apologies can likely be taken by your spouse as just an escape, a rapid way for you to deescalate the dangerous situation you feel is barreling your way. And too often can result in the same old action on your part happening again. Simply because you didn’t take time to feel and think.

Do your relationship a huge favor. Stop and think. Put yourself in your spouse’s shoes. Let yourself realize how your actions or words could have been taken by the one on the receiving end. Deliberately let yourself feel the likely pain that you have inadvertently – or deliberately – caused.

Of course, that’s not easy. You said what you said, because at the time, you meant every word. You spewed exactly what you were feeling, and there is no way you now want to take the time to see and feel the viewpoint of the other person. Totally human and natural way to approach a quarrel. We always see ourselves as holding the high ground and our spouse as wallowing around somewhere slightly below our lofty position. Basically, our unsaid position is this: “You caused me to cause this problem between us. If you had not done so-and-so, or said what you did, I would not have reacted the way I did.”

Yep, a totally human and natural way. Of damaging your relationship.

Is it worth it? Is holding your defenses shining high and dry on the battle field, so that you don’t have to feel the sting of remorse – is it really worth the long-term damage to what you should hold dear?

Better to retreat for a little while and rethink your strategy to include seeing the war from your spouse’s side of things. And then approach the dry barren field between you with a true heartfelt apology. One that lets your spouse know that the words they are hearing have real meaning, instead of a cheap way for you to avoid experiencing repercussions.

And then make yourself follow up your mouth with your actions.

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