What do we do with grief? How do we handle a tornado called “Death” that has ripped through your family? Why are you left numb and stunned? We are not sure we will ever be the same. Not sure we will ever want to be the same. Well, in reality, we won’t ever be the same as we were. It’s impossible. But hopefully we will be stronger. Yes, that is possible. We know of loved ones who are living testimonies to that.

First and foremost, we must acknowledge our loss and our right to feel whatever we are feeling. Sad. Lonely. Angry. Self pity. Afraid. Guilty. We will experience many different emotions and it’s okay. Don’t let anyone tell you it isn’t. Unless someone has experienced this type of loss, they don’t have a clue. So we need to not let what they say bother us. Go to the library, check out some books and read what the experts have to say. The experts are those who have been there. There’s nothing like experience to make us an expert. That’s one kind of experience none of us want. But one we can’t avoid. It is a fact of life. A cruel, hard fact.

It is definitely okay to feel those feelings. What isn’t okay is to not deal with them. Acknowledge them. Evaluate them. Validate them. And let yourself heal. It’s not betrayal to heal. It’s extremely important to eliminate this feeling. If you don’t, you’re doomed.

Remember, it doesn’t matter how long it takes to heal. It will be different for each of us. But we do need to heal in order to be whole. We probably have other family members and friends who need us, or least they will in the future. They need our love; they need our strength, and just basically, they need us. The “new” us is so valuable. The “old” us is but a memory.

It’s definitely a hard road one we never wanted to have to walk. We are so alone and lonely. We really are. No one else feels what we are feeling. Even if there are other family members, each is feeling something different. And oh, how it hurts! Oh, God, it hurts! Hurts so bad. We want to die. How can we continue living? There are many different ways that people deal with stuff, and what works for one may not work for another. But we will always need to be honest with ourselves.

After my mother and precious wife passed away, (I hate the word “died”) a friend lent me a book on grieving. The author talked about “grief work”. That’s an excellent description, I believe. It is hard work getting through all the emotions that accompany grief. Quite often, there is guilt. Guilt over what we wished we would have done differently. Things we wish we would have said or not said. Now it can’t be changed, but we need to find a way to come to terms with it. The very act of being honest with ourselves and acknowledging these issues will free us from guilt and shame. Freedom is liberating. It feels so good to be honest.

People tend to dance around honesty. We attempt to paint the picture the way we think others want to see, and want to believe. Things we want to believe are true. What a dance. Even though it may be hard to admit the truth, it will be so much better in the end. The truth is the truth anyway. No matter what you or I say. We can’t change the truth. It is what it is.

So if we have regrets, let’s acknowledge them, admit them, accept them, and put them to rest. We may want to have a “conversation” with our loved one and tell him/her how we feel. I’ve done that. Tell them you’re sorry. You’d change it if you could. It’s because we have no way to “prove” our repentance that makes it so hard to accept forgiveness. Forgiving ourselves. We depend so much on “proving” ourselves that it’s hard to accept forgiveness without “works.” But there’s no choice in this case, if you want peace.

We may be afraid of the unknown that lies before us. Afraid that we won’t be able to walk this road alone. There may be many things that our loved one did for us that now we will have to do, or find someone else to do. We may be afraid of the reality of not being able to see our loved one again. That’s pretty scary. We may be afraid of the pain. Pain is uncomfortable. I remember standing at the picture window at our condo watching the sunset over the horizon, thinking about the fact that my mate and I will never watch this ever again together. It hurt so bad that my heart actually hurt, and I felt the pain.

We may feel angry. Angry at what seems like the injustice of it all, but who said life was fair anyway? We don’t believe it is. What’s fair about what we have been through! Our dreams have turned into nightmares! What’s fair about that? Nothing. There’s nothing “fair” about it. But it happened. So it’s okay to go through the “It’s not fair” stage. But we must accept that things that “aren’t fair” happen, and it’s okay. It’s what we do with it that counts. As we look at it twenty or thirty years later and still say it’s not fair. But we are not angry any more. It’s life.

We may feel self-pity. We all feel sorry for ourselves at times. We feel sorry for someone else when something bad happens to them, so why can’t we feel sorry for ourselves? But we can’t live in that “sorry” state forever. We will become crippled if we persist! We really will, and we don’t want that. A great antidote for this is our family and friends that love and support emotionally. So when they offer their help and love, please don’t refuse it. If they don’t offer, please reach out to them. But as we gain strength, accept the strength and lean less on others. People don’t mind supporting us if they see us growing stronger. But it’s hard to actually have to “carry” someone else for a long time. No one wants to or is emotionally able to do that.

In closing, it is therapeutic to visit the cemetery. Some people don’t see any point in cemetery visits because “the person isn’t there”. While that is true, it is where what remains of their physical selves rests. It’s the last place we connected with or were in the same place as their physical body. To me, it’s a respectful thing to do, and mentally helpful at that time. It is part of our grief work. We still cry. We still love our loved one. We are a better person for having had them in our lives. We can’t choose mothers, but if we could, I would choose mine. I would love to let her know more how much I loved her. And I would choose my wife, even knowing I would have her for only five short years. They were the best five years of my life.

Let’s try to live today being the best we can be. Worry is a thief that robs us mercilessly. Worry only serves to give us more “grief work” to do. But we have let ourselves learn from our mistake. We are a better, stronger person than we were when we lost our cherished loved one, because we have chosen to be. We believe that to truly love is to give fully of ourselves to those we love, and it’s opening ourselves up to being hurt. That’s life. There’s a song that contains the phrase “and that even in losing you win”. That’s the way it is to truly love. Our lives are so enriched by having shared fully.

We can truly love and give all of ourselves up to someone special, and if death comes knocking at our door, we will have less grief work to do than if we didn’t allow ourselves to truly love. Truly loving is wonderful, and grief work is possible. If I can do this, anyone can do it. Believe me when I say that. If you’d known me before it happened to me, you’d have thought I’d never survive a spring rain, let alone a tornado. But sometimes we surprise ourselves. I sure did! And you can too.