Going through the five stages of grief (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance) is not a piece of cake, either. Grief counselors like to debate which of the five stages are the most difficult to go through. As a chaplain that has personally gone through these stages more than once, may I share with you my thoughts on this subject?
From my perspective the major task of mourning the death of someone precious to me is acceptance. That is, accepting the reality that the loved one is no longer with you and accepting the multiplicity of changes that are taking place in your life due to the loss. Resisting unavoidable change only leads to more pain.
There are two levels of acceptance. The first, intellectual acceptance is easy to come by. We can acknowledge the death of a loved one. But now comes the more difficult one, and that is the emotional acceptance. This one takes a much longer time because it involves the process of adjusting to the reality that your loved one is no longer here in your presence, and that is a tough actuality!
May I share with you five ways that helped me to work through the emotional level of accepting that the loved one is no longer with me? Much of what I have to share is what I call internal work of the heart, and I will encourage you to focus on strengthening the secret (private, only you & God know for sure) areas of your heart.
Embracing the fact that life will be different! In a way it is a new life in the same old body! A precious elderly gentleman once said, “John, I am a young man trapped in an old man’s body!” Do you understand what he was saying? Age slowly creeps upon us, doesn’t it? Our mind says, “I’m going to do this,” and our body says, “Oh, no you’re not!” We lose someone dear to us, and we think, “I can do this, as usual”, but our heart says, “No you can’t, not as usual.” This means we are going to have to change our routine because this activity involves our cherished loved one. Giving up the old ways of doing things for the new is a major challenge. Our unwillingness to be flexible to change will cause depression and frustration. As soon as possible we need to decide to accept that which we cannot change by this loss, and to be open to accommodate change in our lives.
Realize your social circle and/or support group may radically be altered. If you are widowed, there are some situations involving couples that you will not be invited to, or if you go to you will feel out of place. This is difficult to deal with at times. I just pretended that my mate was still with me, and I made everyone else feel awkward, weird and uncomfortable. But that’s my sense of humor and it got old and trying fast. There are also some people, even people who you thought were your good friends, who are fearful of death and will tend to steer clear of conversations about your loved one. You will sense their uneasiness. Simply spend more time with those who are your genuine friends, or make some new friends who are more secure in dealing with life as it really is.
We need to give effort in reducing the amount of time you give to negative thoughts. Zig Ziglar calls negative people, “Stinking thinking people!” And avoid them like you would if they have the swine flu! Negative thoughts will never create the courage needed to deal with change that is helpful and beneficial in your life. Negative thoughts are the number one reason why we prolong grief unnecessarily.
Always be looking for support from well-informed sources. Seeking knowledge and support from credible resources is very wise. Most mourners grieve deep within themselves, based on many myths and old wives tales that we accept early in our lives; and a lot of them are not true. Look for good common sense information in four areas of our lives: emotion (how to manage our emotions well), spiritual (how best to utilizes our faith in a practical ways), physical (how to exercise to reduce tension and anxiety) and mental (how to use your mind to calm yourself and change your focus). All of these will assist in reducing the pain of your loss.
All mourners need a companion, an ally someone who will walk with you through the painful valley of the shadow of death. Search for one or more who will always let you be in charge of your grieving and does not tell you what you should be feeling or doing. Bounce your ideas and emotions off this special person and/or persons. Ask for their opinion on specific issues and then decide what you will do based on your examination of all of the advice you have received. Now as a Christian Chaplain, I need to let you know that Jesus was my special person who helped me the most during my most difficult times in life, and I had wonderful Christian friends that God used in special ways to be a blessing to me in my times of need. I pray that you know what I mean when I say, “that Jesus Christ is my best friend!”
Acceptance of your great loss is your number one goal. Keep it in the forefront of your thinking as you confront each day. However, don’t allow that focus to obscure the various points of healing you experience along the way. There will be times of victories (feel good) and times of defeats (feeling down). As you keep working, the downs will not hang around as long as they used to. Precious thoughts of your loved ones will be a blessing and an encouragement and not a downer or discourager! You will know you are moving forward as you learn to deal with change in your life with acceptance.
